Estimated reading time: 7 minutes
You’re a veteran. You meet another person and somewhere in the conversation, you mention that you served in the military. And then it comes:
“Thank you for your service.”
It can be awkward to respond. Most vets tend to mumble out a “thank you” and try to continue the conversation.
And let’s be real, TYFYS has turned into an expected automatic response for most. As soon as someone finds out you’re a veteran, it’s become customary in American culture to then provide you with the TYFYS. It can feel ungenuine and like they just told you “bless you” after you sneezed — it’s just expected.
So how do you respond?
For crying out loud, please don’t say “You’re welcome.”
Stages of Response to TYFYS
How you react to TYFYS tells a lot about you as a veteran. And there are basically three stages in the time of being a veteran that someone goes through with this response.
In Stage 1, you get angry. You think, “Fuck off, you don’t know what my friends and I have gone through. You don’t know shit about my service.”
Stage 1 is unhealthy. It makes the veteran bitter and does nothing to improve the understanding of the military experience to a civilian. The demonization of TYFYS by the veteran community simply creates an “us” and a “them.” In creating an “us” and a “them,” chances for real connection over military service are unlikely to happen.
In Stage 2, you’ve likely become accustomed to TYFYS and it no longer spikes any feeling of anger or resentment. Most likely, you don’t feel much of anything. You just hear it, nod, and keep talking. But nothing comes from this.
Stage 3, however, is where TYFS becomes an opportunity, not an obstacle. This could be a chance to talk to someone about your time in the military. It’s also a chance to show gratitude — and that never hurts.
Age or time in service has nothing to do with what stage you’re in. I’ve met senior officers and NCOs who are in Stage 1 and E-4s in Stage 3.
But why should you be grateful? Grateful for what?
Be Grateful People Care
If you ever want a humbling experience as a Post-9/11, talk to a Vietnam veteran.
I had a conversation with a family friend and Vietnam vet and told him all about the resources and programs and organizations that are available to the Post-9/11 generation and how the army let me work at a startup for 3 months before getting out. After a minute or two, I stopped. I could see in his eyes that was not his experience and I felt small. He and his friends did NOT have that experience when they returned from Vietnam.
The Post-9/11 generation, the generation where TYFYS became a part of the American lexicon, was greeted home from war with balloons, bands, and pictures on the front page.
Vietnam vets were called baby-killers and spat on.
Be grateful that you were the former and not the latter.
Be Grateful People Don’t Have to Know
Some people in the world will likely never know a world without extreme violence.
In the places veterans went, extremists run amok in the country and seemingly no one can stop them. Civil war is a part of the lives of everyday people.
War lives on their doorsteps and there’s no way for them NOT to know about it.
I am immensely grateful that we as the United States have the power and strength that we have that prevents this type of experience for most Americans. We are lucky that we are able to shield the overwhelming majority of our fellow citizens from these experiences. I’m grateful that it was only a small portion of us that had to bear these burdens.
I’m also grateful that not everyone HAS to serve. Say what you want about the potential benefits of mandatory service, not requiring people to serve in the military is indicative of our nation’s power and preference toward personal freedom.
Don’t Be Afraid To Share Your Experience
I had a co-worker give me the “Thank you for your service” and then respond with “Honestly, I don’t even know what to ask after that.”
This can be a great time to talk a bit about what you did. Let someone know what branch you were in, what your job was, and where you deployed. The majority of people want to know and love learning about this crazy segment of society called “the military.”
Their ignorance doesn’t have to spark resentment — let it spark an opportunity to share a few of your experiences. People want to know more about what our military is doing overseas. You may be the first veteran to share an on-the-ground experience with them.
You Don’t Have to Say Anything to TYFYS
It’s not always possible to sit there and talk with someone at length about your military experience. But it is possible to control how you react.
Maybe the TYFYS came from the TSA agent looking at your military ID card. The security line at the airport isn’t the time to spark a conversation. But you don’t need to get upset.
Maybe it was from a colleague at work on Veterans Day. They just stopped by your workstation to say TYFYS but, hey, it’s a hectic day and there’s no time for conversation. Be grateful they even thought of you.
Your reactions at the moment are entirely up to you. You can choose to walk away from that TSA agent or sit at your desk after your co-worker left and feel bitter and resentful. Or you can choose to not be.
What You CAN Say to TYFYS
Don’t overthink this one.
It’s totally fine to just say “Thanks” and move on.
But you may also take the opportunity to talk about your service.
“Thanks. I really enjoyed my time in the Air Force. I made some great friends and learned a lot.”
“Thanks.
If you don’t feel like talking you can always just say, “Thanks” and keep going on with the conversation.
It’s Easier to Change Yourself Than the World
The civ-mil divide is real.
There are real arguments to be made that the lack of connection to the military by the majority of the civilian population is strongly correlated to the propensity of our nation to get involved in foreign entanglements. Without any skin in the game for most Americans, the realities of warfare and foreign policy are too abstract for them to care about.
But change will not come from creating an “us” and a “them”. It can come from humility on both sides and both being willing to understand the experiences of the other.
Yes, civilians could know more about what the military does and how to talk to a veteran about their experiences. But there’s enough else going on for the average American and changing the behavior of the other 90% of the population to understanding what the military experience is like is an unlikely option.
Feeling entitled to the understanding of others and expecting them to change to you is a losing proposition.
So, to reference The King of Pop, start with the Man in The Mirror.
So the next time someone tells you, “Thank you for your service,” don’t get upset and don’t let it pass by.
Be grateful.
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